Faerye Tale: The Evillious Chronicles
by mytho-mage
Summary: If you know of the Evillious Chronicles, you know of the constant and dumb blanks in the plot that will be "filled in" by the mothy jerk in the decades to come. But the truth is there, right off in the distance that your puny minds cannot comprehend. The truth behind things you thought you knew the truth for! Join Mofo on her Faerye adventure! (And keep in mind that it gets dark!)
1. Chapter 1

It all started when I was sixteen.

And it all started when my grandma was sixteen. And it all started when my mom was sixteen. It technically even started when my dad-son was sixteen. Sixteen is the magic number, yo.

My name is Mofo. I am an average beautiful young woman with pale skin and wavy raven hair and flashing violet eyes. I'm a proactive and intelligent woman, like anyone else, and an avid reader who loves fantasy, like anyone else. I am a loving mother to three beautiful children and technically this thingy named Sarah came out of me, too, but I think she was an abomination with no Faerye blood at all.

That's right, Faerye blood. I am a faerye. And I'm not just any Faerye, I am the Faerye Queen.

**A million bajillion years ago, my kind bestowed our Infinite Powyr to you puny humans, who corrupted it. Now, our power manifests in human "magic", (what a fucking STUPID name y'all), and demons, but we retain our original magnificence. Faerye blood is usually so strong that just a semblance of it replicates like a virus and turns us all into Faeryes. So we must be careful with who we choose to breed with. NO ORGIES EVERYONE!**

(But Sarah is stupid and defied me. She does not have Faerye blood, the little bitch).

Now I will describe my time as Faerye Queen.

It was the summer I turned sixteen, and I was making dinner for my mother, Moira. She was lounging on the couch eating an apple and reading a novel that I bought for me, but she confiscated for "obscene content".

"Mofo, I don't want dinner tonight," Moira said loftily. (I call her Moira 'cuz I hate her). "Throw it all away and start again tomorrow."

"Mother," I said with a musical tone to my voice, "What could possibly make you skip stuffed pig, delicacy cheeses, two aged wine bottles and blackberry tarts?"

"SHUT UP CHILD!" Moira yelled. "I WILL SMACK YOU IF YOU CONTINUE ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS!111"

I cried a little, so she threw the book at me. It hit me on the head and I fell down, but she seemed not to care.

"But I will be generous and enlighten you, dumbass," Moira said, and got up to pose elegantly beside the windowsill. The light from the setting sun pooled into our room, and she was cloaked in it, her pale gray outfit seeming to glow as she kept her slender arm on the curtain.

"I am excited to bestow upon you, you stupid child, the same fate my mother bestowed upon me," Moira cooed lovingly. "I will sell you into prostitution and take the money they give me to run away to Marlon and become the King's hundredth mistress."

"M-Mother…" I murmured. "There is a new King now…"

Moira glared daggers at me and I started crying again.

"I'll figure something out," Moira hissed at me. "When you have a daughter, you can sell her into prostitution and be the Lucifenian King's mistress, I don't give two shits. Like mother, like daughter, my dear. You will always be trapped by your blood."

I stayed on the ground for a moment, clutching my book and thinking. I didn't want to be like Moira, even though I supposed I could understand where she was coming from. And she was smart, too. She was right, I was trapped by my blood. My blood… My parents...

My parents! I didn't just have a mother, I had a father!

"Mother, did you try to have me?" I said.

"Well…No," Moira smirked at me. "I was a prostitute, but it was my first time, and I didn't know that you mustn't let him finish inside of you."

Ew! I so did not need that image!

"Really? Did he know that?" I pressed on.

Moira sighed, and she looked sad. Again, I felt sorry for her.

"I doubt he cared," She sighed again. "He was a mercenary, you know. He had no loyalty to anyone or anything. Except some bitch sister he cried about."

I subconsciously hated this bitch sister.

But now I knew! My daddy had visited Moira when she was sixteen in EC 482! He was a mercenary! He had a bitch sister! (That last one was useful for reasons I knew not yet).

I spent two months tracking him down, but I found him finally because era una genia for realsies! And he was just walking down the street, looking shiftily around like a TOTAL BADASS YO! And he had flashing violet eyes! LIKE ME! And then I saw a BOOK UNDER HIS ARM! It was MY BOOK!

So I followed him until he walked onto a deserted road. I'm not stalking my own daddy! Ewwww! And I was wondering why he hadn't caught me but whatevs you know go with the flow.

So finally, when I was sure we were all alone, I came running up to him screaming, "DADDY111! I FINALLY FOUND YOOOUUUU!"

But then he SCREAMED and pulled out a fucking SWORD! What?!

And he yelled, "I KILLED YOU I KILLED YOU I KILLED YOU!"

And then he slashed at me a lot and then I started crying and I was dying and then I was back at home!

And Moira leaned against the wall with her arms folded over her chest like a total badass.

"Well, Mofo. Now you see why I never told you about your father before," She sighed.

"But mother, you told me as soon as I implied that I wanted to know-" I began, but she went over and smacked me.

"Mofo, shut the fuck up," Moira said coolly. "I teleported you back here for a reason."

"And healed me?" I said.

"DON'T MAKE ME REGRET IT CHILD!" Moira roared.

"But yes, I healed you, as well. Because you are not a mercenary, child," She said, looking distant. She was really pretty.

"I know...I'm a-" I said, but she took my head in her hands and said lovingly, "Faerye."

"A fairy? Mother?" I said.

"No, you bitch!" Moira yelled. "A Faerye!"

"Oh, a Faerye. Okay," I said, understanding completely. And if you don't, it's 'cuz you're not a Faerye, shithead!

"Faeryes can do anything they want if they believe," Moira said. "Except everything, so don't think too much. You can only use Faerye Majick once in a little while, because you need to stock up. And you are the Faerye Queen, so you can draw Majick from anywhere or anything.

"I last used Majick to…" Moira smiled lasciviously and I got creeped out. "Well, it's not for children."

"Can you make people love you?!" I said, thinking of my daddy.

"Yeah, duh!" Moira slapped me, then went to sit down. "People will never love you, Mofo, of their own volition. You have to force it."

Moira had told me that before, so I accepted it.

"Then I will! I'll do that!"

My plan was simple: Stock up on Faerye majick, find out where my daddy lived, then go back in time to make his daddy fall in love with me so I would be his mother and he would love me!

I am such a genius.


	2. Chapter Two: Motherhoode

So, there I was. I accidentally overshot and ended up in the year EC 457, but whatevs. I was walking around Lucifenia, and then I saw this guy!

He was really hot, and he had black hair and black eyes and mm-mm-mmm delish~! I started following him, which was not stalking you bitch!

So I followed him, and I found him in this awesome mansion! WOW!

And then, the guy turned out to be Blahblahblah hunky Rogze! And he was really rich! And he knew stuff!

And I realized, being a genius, I needed money to get to wherever my grandaddy- er, husband, was! And I needed information, too!

I knew that daddy was a Veno descendant and he had suffered for that, which Moira had told me before I left. But no one cared around here! I needed to narrow the playing field to where people cared!

So I looked at that guy, and I said, "That chamber's empty, wanna fuck?"

"Who ARE you?" He said.

"I'm Canada!" I snapped. "I'm a hooker!"

"Okay," He said, and we fucked!

And then I said I'm doing buy one get ten free, so we fucked ten more times! He told me to call him daddy, but that was too overdone. I called him grandaddy instead!

And I made sure five rounds each, so he finished inside of me fifty-five times, and I was sure I'd get a kid.

And then I did. I missed my periods, so I was like, YAAAAY! But then I threw up a lot, and I was like, NOOOOO!

And then, I gave birth and it was gross and icky and some cheap midwife who didn't care that I was an unwed mother was like, "Meet your little girl!"

And I said, "Ew, clean that crying ball of flesh up, first."

And then, she did and I held my daughter.

"Hello, pawn," I sneered. "I don't like you. I think I don't like you so much, I'm not even giving you a real name. Your name's a word. Like a dog."

So she was named Prim.

And I went on my way with my plan. I showed my lover his daughter, and he was all…. "NOT MINE!"

So I slapped him because that's okay when you're a girl and told him, "I have made sure that your wife thinks Prim is her daughter, but I can always reverse it, too."

So I snuck Prim into his wife's room.

"Who the fuck is this baby?!" She cried when she saw her.

"Oops," I said, where my lover and I were hiding in the shadows. "I swear I cast that spell right."

"Lisa!" The wife cried. "There's a baby in my room!"

Another woman appeared in the doorway.

"Well, yes, Madam, I'd imagine there is," She said, looking confused. "Your baby."

"I don't have a baby!" The wife, whose name I realized was Monet cried, shaking her head like a madlady. "I'm only sixteen!"

"I'm seventeen," I said to the air. "What are you implying?"

"It seems to me that you do have a baby!" Lisa said, narrowing her eyes. "That you've been carrying for nine months!"

"I...How…" Wow. Monet looked SERIOUSLY freaked out.

"Madam, I… Should I call your husband…?" Lisa said. "Or… Maybe you should get some rest."

"I-I Lisa! I know what you must be thinking, but this is not my kid!" Monet cried.

What the fuck lady?! I mean, srsly. They'll send you to an asylum soon.

"I'll be back, Madam," Lisa shook her head with wide eyes.

Monet stared at the child, MY child, then went over to it.

Wait. What is that bitch decided she loved my kid?! What if she stole it from me!? WHAT IF THE SCORN AND HUMILILIATION OF THE ROGZE HOUSEHOLD WAS TOO MUCH FOR HER AND SHE RAN OFF WITH IT?!

No! Then my blackmailing wouldn't work!

"I think your spell must have backfired, somehow," My lover whispered, leaning in so I could smell his hair. "And now everyone else but my wife thinks she has a baby."

"I KNEW THAT!" I snapped.

"W-Who's there?!" Monet reeled back and looked around wildly. She looked so crazy again, yeesh!

My lover glared daggers at me, but he should have looked at what he was putting his dick into. No sympathy there.

But I had an idea!

I leapt out of the shadows and hissed at her, "No, that is not your child. This thing, Prim, is my daughter. You have tread upon Faerye grounde and disrupted our Cyklee."

"...What the fuck?!" Moira said, stepping back. She grabbed an empty candle holder?! What was that bitch up to!

"Do you doubt my words?" I drew a faint grin. I could say anything now! I was the Faerye Queen… I was the beautiful Faerye Queen. I was more beautiful even than Moira now, with a pawn, er, daughter, and hunky lover, and majick powyres!

"I have Kerssyd your famylie to beleeve that Prim es tu hija." I held out a delicate pale hand to signal my child.

"Prim… What?" Monet said.

"I MADE THEM THINK PRIM WAS YOUR KID BITCH!111" I screamed!

"..." Monet looked down, then pointed the candle holder at me. Its sharp ornamental points glared at my beautiful pale neck. It was so beautiful and pale.

"...I don't know what you are, but I will not be afraid," She murmured, then looked at me. "Why have you done this?"

"YOUR MORTAL PLEAS FALL DEAF UPON MY EYRES!" I cackled gently. "I WILL GIVE YOU TWO DAYS TO EVACUATE, AND THEN YOUR HOUSEHOLD SHALL SEND YOU TO AN ASYLUM!"

I gave the shadows a thumbs-up.

"Who's there?" Monet said.

"Non'a your business!" I yelled at her.

Monet turned around. "Why can't anyone hear you?"

"Because I am using Faerye Cerkle Speetch!" I grinned. "It takes no Majick and I can speak to just one person silently!"

Monet started to cry. Then the baby started crying so I picked her up and took her to the shadows and into the Faerye Cerkle where no one could hear her pathetic misery.

So, a day later, Monet packed her things and became a discreet hooker. I hear she "got on well" with a man from the Sui household, which meant she'd stooped to fucking minor nobles for money. I know all of this due to my Faerye Vission.

No, I didn't watch them fuck! EWWWWWWWW!1111

Oh, and a month later, my lover and I got hitched, so I was Prim's "stepmothyre" LOl yeah right! Anyways, if the deal for bigot-searching was off, everyone on earth would know that Prim was totally a product of infidelity.

And the years passed by.


	3. Chapter 3: Compleeshawn

On Prim's first birthday, she was a delicate, pale baby with black hair and black eyes, seeming to take after me! Except I have violet eyes, so I'm slightly better.

I taught her to say "MOTHER KNOWS BEST" ten times but she was eating cake and smearing it on my skirts like a stupid little kid. So I told her, "Don't smear cake on my skirts if you don't want to clean the rest of the cake smeared on your face."

But she giggled so I don't think she got me?

On Prim's second birthday, she was talking really fast about "fairies" in the garden, and I told her quick, "No, that's total bullshit. You're a special Faerye, be proud of it, bitch!" She forgot. Dumb bitch.

On Prim's third birthday, She wore her hair like mine so I combed it myself. (I don't want these stupid servants to touch my special daughter's head! Ew!).

So I was brushing her hair for her birthday party, and she turned around and snapped, "You're not a peasant! I'm not a peasant! Peasants have their mothers-"

So I slapped her and yelled, "I'm not your mother, I'm your stepmother! And I could leave your daddy any time because I'm special and you'd be a latchkey kid! I do everything for you, bitch! And I say that the servants are gross and I'm not gross and I WILL BRUSH YOUR HAIR BECAUSE YOU ARE SPECIAL AND I KNOW IT AND IF YOU DEFY ME YOU ARE DEGRADING YOURSELF! DON'T CRY!"

And she didn't.

My heart hurt a little when I said I wasn't her mother.

Something was very wrong.

On Prim's fourth birthday, she wanted the dress her cousin was wearing to her party, so I tapped her cousin on the back during the festivities and whispered, "They know."

"Know what?" The little girl asked, widening her stupid six-year old eyes like a kid with stupid six-year old eyes.

"Know about you. Quickly, you must change into these clothes," Here I gestured to the boy's outfit from some other cousin's wardrobe in my hands. "And start a new life as a farm worker."

"What?" She drooled.

So I clapped a hand over her mouth, whipped out my knife, and waved it around.

"They know about your misdeeds, Muriel!" I whispered loudly. "They will do this-" I stabbed the air. "And this-" I slashed at the air. "And plunge their dagger of justice right into your corpse like so!" Here, I plunged the knife into the ground.

Muriel started to cry, so I continued to keep my hand over her mouth as I carried her away.

"Now, change, and start life anew!" I pushed her behind a bush and threw the clothes at her.

She didn't start life anew, because her father found her crying in boy's clothes and got really mad at me later.

So then I just majicked them all into thinking that Muriel was a boy and the dress was my daughter's. Only Prim knew, because I made sure that she saw how powerful I was.

"Can I do that, Mother?"

"Shut the fuck up, Prim. You don't understand the intricacies of Faerye Majick yet, and you youthfulness will only lead you to use it for ill!"

And one day, I woke up, and it was the year EC 461! DADDY WAS GONNA BE BORN!11111

"My love," I purred to my husband.

"Do you know my name?" He said. "It's-"

I looked away, leaning my head on my pale hand with tapering fingers gliding over my simple yet defined jaw. Elegantly disinterested.

I turned back to him, kissing him.

"Darling, how could I forget~?" I said, but I was thinking, DAMN YOU'RE CLINGY!111

"_My love_," I growled. "I think it's time to go on a vacation."

"I have work to do-" He started, but I slapped him.

"SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY!" I yelled. "OR I'LL THROW PRIM OFF A BRIDGE!"

"You wouldn't," He said, but he knew I would!

"Okay," He said.

Wow!

See, in my four years of research, I'd finally found where all the rednecks lived, a place in Elphegort, and along with a vision of a little daddy stabbing people there, I was sure it was it was where he was born!111

I packed up my bags and put Prim in the carriage veeerrry close to the window, not implying anything.

And my husband got in and we went to Elphegort!

So when I got there, my husband went off to stay with the richest family in town and I saw this lady with purple hair and purple eyes getting pelted with rocks. Beside her, a man was trying to stop them.

And she was totally Veno-tainted, so she was the not-girl! And he had hickeys on his neck, so he was the guy! Only a slut would fuck a Veno-descendant!

(Like Moira, lol. Shhhhhh!)

I needed a plan to get the slut off him! (Not him. Let's just call him Demon Child Fucking Manwhore In Elphegort and her Demon Spawn Sexy Bitch).

Actually, she's not sexy, 'cuz I'm not gay perverts! THIS ISN'T A YURI YOU FUCKHEADS!111

But if I just killed her here, he'd hate me! Hmmmm…

(Somewhere, Moira snickered evilly).

I had to be subtle about this!

"Halt!" I yelled, loud and clear into the street. "How dare you harm this gentle flower?"

"This is none of your business," A man growled, and another man grabbed her arm!

"Mother!" The little bitch- I mean, Prim, came running in. "I was just looking at the lovely vases in a store when a man called me a coal-face and told me to get out of the shop! Please, mother, do something about the commo-"

"This is my daughter," I cut it off. "Would you harm a noblewoman in the face of her child?"

The men looked at each other and a teenage boy scowled at me.

"You had no right coming here," One man began.

"Will Levia strike him down for his insolence?" Prim whispered to me.

"No, darling, _I will._" I grinned.

Then I punched the guy out! I kicked the boy in his ribcage, and the third guy ran away!

"Oh, thank you~!" DSSB said. "I had never seen such a spectacular show in my~"

"We should leave," DCFMIE said. He looked coldly at me, like I'd stolen his thunder.

"No!" Prim yelled. "Praise my mother!"

"Maybe I will see you again, sometime~?" I said to DSSB.

"Perhaps~" She grinned, and was gone. Prim looked a little uncomfortable.

Wow!

So I sought her out again and found her, being a genius. She was reading a book in a shabby old house that I stumbled upon. No one was there but me, because my husband had "confiscated" my only child from me for a time-being. Sexist pig!

"Gentle flower~!" I purred. "I see you again~"

"Oh, really?" She giggled. "Have you taken time to find me?"

"Maybe, maybe not~" I said. "What is your name, my darling~?"

"Eura," She said. I sat down next to her.

"What are you reading, Eura?"

Eura whispered in my ear, "Erotic fiction~"

"Oh, really?" I asked, and stabbed her!

She didn't fucking no what _hit her!_

Staring at Eura's corpse, I felt...empty.

So I went home and stole Prim from my husband and got her to help me clean up the scene, because she's got shorter legs and if a wolf or bear comes to eat the kill, they'll catch her first.

"Stop crying!" I ordered her as I dunked her in the river to clean the blood off. "Disposing of bodies and getting blood on you and having your mother dunk you in the river at night all builds character!"

"I never knew that," Prim sniffed. Was she being sarcastic? Could three-year olds be that?

So we went home, and my husband was frisky so we fucked that night while Prim was asleep.

So I tried to sneak out the next night to find DCFMIE, but my husband wanted to fuck that night, too!

Same thing the next night and next, until Friday.

On Friday, I put a rat in Prim's room and she was screaming and crying so bad that my husband had to deal with it for three hours and I snuck out!

I found DCFMIE making out with a bitch, in the back of another shabby house, so I waited, then started crying really loud.

DCFMIE came running over, just noticing.

"What's the matter?" He asked me.

"My daughter is missing!" I cried! "She went off to find her pet rat and I don't know where she is!"

"How old was your daughter?" He asked.

"Three…" I sobbed. I was such a good actress.

"That young?" He said. "Oh, my dear, that must have been terrible for you…" And sneaked his hand over my shoulder and close to my chest. He _was_ a creeper!

"We should look in the woods," I murmured. "I want a child back…"

"You want a child~?" He said. "I might help~."

Oh, yes, he would! :^D

So the bitch he was making out with gave us the finger and stomped off, but she had a flat chest so.

So we fucked in the woods, twenty-five rounds. He just kind of flopped to the ground after that and I covered his with a tree branch and hopped off.

And then I had a little boy! And I thought, your daddy's a slut! So I'm going to call you Zenon, a form of Zeus, Greek god who had several mistresses due to being so lustful.

Prim cried, "Mommy? Do you love him best?"

And I looked at daddy/Zenon, and I looked at Prim, darling little Prim who looked just like me except with black eyes… Prim who was special, and had to be told she was special forever because she just _had _to… Prim who knew about rigor mortis before anyone else her age…

And I looked at the piece of shit who'd almost killed me.

"I love _you _Prim. I know…" I patted her head. "I'll make you a better brother. One who you can use to your advantage."

"So, what about him?" She gestured to the murderous shit in my arms.

And then I realized.

I was Faerye Queen, and I had been gathering magic for four years. (Except the dress thingy, but there was a blood moon that night. So, yeah, you know.)

"I will take care of him, _and _you," I smiled lovingly. "You more. I'll make a copy of myself to take care of him."

So then, all was well. Prim accepted that she was a superior Faerye Aire and the chosen one, and began tending to her ego. All you can do as a child Faerye is believe in yourself before you are Faerye Queen.

So I told my husband that I'd accidentally lost Zenon in a wave of geese that were attacking me.

"So, my son is _dead?_" He cried.

"Not dead! He's being raised by geese!" I yelled, and slapped him for his stupidity. "HE'S A WERE-GOOSE NOW! YOU HAVE A WERE-GOOSE SON!"

Then I had to make another son, so I just used my genius intellect to discover a way to tell the gender of the baby about to be conceived with a needle and two tablespoons ale. Then I conceived another baby and had him eleven months after Zenon. His name was… something ending with an "ee", I'm pretty sure. Or an "eye" or maybe and "ih"... Whatever. He was just a tad boring.

Meanwhile, other me had taken Zenon and run back to Elphegort.

So I settled down in a nice little house that Eura the demon child lived in before her unfortunate demise. I could just _feel _her loving presence.

"Mommy, I'm hungry!" My two-year old son said.

"What did I tell you last time, kid?!" I yelled. "Wait for another day until the weather's right and you can eat goose-Faerye food! You have a pedigree to maintain!"

"What's a ped-i-gee?" Zenon said, crying.

"A _pedigree _means you are superior and good for your genetic material," I informed informatively. "Because you're my fat- a man!"

But Zenon decided that no, my explanation wasn't good enough, because he went outside and stabbed a squirrel.

"What the _fuck _are you doing?!" I screamed.

"Squirrel is tasty." He looked at me with the same stupid wide eyes that Muriel had had. "I'm… so… hungry….."

"That… was my pet squirrel," A man said brokenly. I looked up.

Blonde hair… blue eyes… hickeys…

"Fucktoy!" I cried happily.

"My name is-"

"My love, how could I forget?" I said quickly, batting my charcoal black and soft, feathery eyelashes at him.

"My love?" He asked, raising a sunlit straw eyebrow.

Oops. Mayhap it was a bit too early in our romance for that.

"Er, it is how the old mages of my family speak, my love," I flirted, tossing my ebony hair back in a silky cascade.

"I… see." He looked sadly down at the squirrel corpse that Zenon was still consuming ravenously, as though I hadn't fed him in four days, which I hadn't.

"My boy," DCFMIE said, addressing my eldest, (son). "Can you spare me a part of my only true friend?"

"I kill ano-ther?" Zenon asked hopefully. DCFMIE looked about sick, but I nodded.

"Just give this man back a leg, son."

Zenon laughed as he tore off a leg. "Riiiiip!"

"Th-Thank you," DCFMIE muttered. He looked so sad compared to how I met him earlier.

It was such a turn on.

I followed him until he walked onto a deserted path. I'm not stalking my own grandaddy!

(Yes. Yes, I am.)

"You wanna fuck?" I yelled. DCFMIE turned around after a few moments.

He sighed, looked down, and slowly put the squirrel leg in his pocket.

"Yes," His voice sounded eagerly grudging. "Yes, I do."

And that was how I got knocked up _again, _gave birth _again, _and had a _second _daughter, thirteen months after my second son.

And I didn't even mean to! The child was an insult to my careful calculatedness.

Her name was Sarah. It means "garbage", like her value. That's what DCFMIE told me, anyways. But I chased him out.

"Thanks for the info, but you gave me this shit in the first place!" I screeched intelligently. "Never talk to me again!"

Meanwhile, Prim was coming along quite well, and the other one seemed alright, too. My family was now complete. :D


End file.
